Golf, Tennis, Basket, Base, Mushroom?

I wanna dip my balls in that! (Anyone catch that reference? No? Okay...)

I've tried to avoid direct food replacements.

I'm not so hard up for bacon, that I am willing to pretend that bacon flavored tofu is the same thing. It's not. This is not pretend time. You are not LeVar Burton and this is not Reading Rainbow...

Now I have that song stuck in my head... YouTube - Troy (Community) - Reading Rainbow Theme Song

Instead, I've tried to only purchase foods which are excellent in and of themselves. (Except for Tempeh, which I can still taste...)

Back during the trip to Common Market (see previous post) my mother snagged a bag of 'Meat'balls and put them in the cart. I was dead set against it, but she would not hear otherwise. When I got home I shoved those soy balls back into the icy depths of my freezer. I was hoping that either the ravages of time or freezer burn would prevent me from ever having to confront them.

I got a hankering for spaghetti today. Which means I wanted meatballs.

I assembled a team of sled dogs, mushers and native expert guides and made my way into the freezer for my meat-ish prize. Along the way several of our crew were taken by wolves. Several more passed in their frigid sleep. I myself lost several toes to frostbite. But finally, on day 37, we'd reached out goal.

I knew by then that there was no way back. I told myself that I'm not a replacement guy. I don't pretend... but I had to. I was too hungry and had I'd lost too many good men to stop then.

It was only then that I read the bag.

"Nate's Savory Mushroom Meatless Meatballs" Oh, mushrooms. I like mushrooms. 

The toothpicks are difficult to eat around, but
they are so worth it.
On second thought, those toothpicks really are
a problematic design/recipe flaw. 

I checked the ingredients. Not much soy in there, huh? I was worried that soy would be at the tippy-top of the ingredients list and it wasn't. You know what was? Mushrooms.

I immediately thought about being a child and having my mothers spaghetti. She used to put a can of mushrooms in our spaghetti all the time. Even the sauce she used to buy was something like 'Tomato and Shitload of Mushroom'.

I cracked the bag and looked inside. I'll be buggered if they didn't look and have the same texture as regular, full meat, meatballs. If this was a pretend food, a con job, at least it was a con job that I could appreciate. Side by side it would have been impossible to tell.

My next thought, was of texture. Surely these mushroomballs would immediately crumble in my sauce. They didn't, they held up quite nicely. Even when I stirred them up with the pasta they held together.

All that remained was the tasting. I made a plate, grabbed a fork and had a seat. The mushroomballs had only this final test to pass.

And they did, with flying colors. They were not as good as meatballs, they were better. I'm not joking, or exaggerating, making some bullshit vegan point, these things are amazing. (That's a word I try not to use.) They had the same.. everything as meatballs, and they tasted better. Of course, you have to like mushrooms. If you don't like mushrooms avoid them.

When I go back to meat, which I will, I will still want to purchase these and eat them with my pasta. Consider giving them a try if you run across them.

The Horror, The Horror

I also tried some Vegan Parmesan cheese, made by some kind witchcraft and skullduggery. It was awful. I would not recommend it. The first ingredient... You'll never guess. The first ingredient in this speaks volumes about vegan food.  Think of the opposite of Parmesan cheese, that's probably the first ingredient. 

It was made from walnuts.

I hardly like regular walnuts. What on Earth possessed me to put this salty, chalky mess on my food?

Though, to be honest, it was more of a dare than a serious test. It was never considered any kind of replacement. Just a lark I had to try.

Adam

Interesting Side Note: My sister Kitty told me yesterday that she could make me a vegan steak and cheese sandwich that would be so good that I would not miss the real thing. The proposed using mushrooms instead of meat. If the meatballs tonight are any indication of the miracles that fungus can perform, then sign me up.

(Yeah, do not eat those toothpicks. They are entirely indigestible. Oh the pain, that pain!)