Battle Creek
When a homeless, vegan, crazy person gets arrested for stealing shoes at the local swimming pool, the only part of that headline I filed away in the old brain-farm is the word Vegan.
It sounds like a horrific way to form an opinion, but it is based on the sound science of observation.
Let's tap the noggin' and see what comes spilling out.
Word Associaition: Vegan. Go!
PETA, Granola, Tofu, Hippies, Soy Milk, 'Fur is Murder', Indian Food, Todd from Scott Pilgrim, Garbanzo Beans, Hemp, Tea, Natalie Portman, Cud, Baby Seals, Honey, Jainism, Poverty, Ethics, Fiber, John Harvey Kellogg...
Wait, John Harvey Kellogg? (isn't he just a vegetarian?)
Yeah, him. He's famous in my house for inventing Corn Flakes. I love and will always love, Kellogg's Corn flakes. And NO, I do not mean Frosted Flakes. Frosted Flakes are for kids whose parents do not love them. I mean... hy... per... kids... Sure, they're not that fancy, no marshmallows, clusters, or leprechaun parts. And sure they get soggy faster than a newspaper in a Jacuzzi, but they are my favorite breakfast cereal of all time.
But it turns out that there is more to Mr. Kellogg than just crack flakes. The Wikipedia page on his life is full of interesting crap (enema joke) about him. I encourage you to read it.
I am most interested in the titles he had in his life. This man was everything... He was a Doctor, a Holist, Vegetarian, Inventor, Son, Brother, Printer's Devil (!), Student, Adopter, Husband, Widow, Seventh-day Adventist, Speaker, Orator, Naturalist, Author, Chief Medical Officer, Teacher, Surgeon, Sadist, Madman, Racist, Bigot, Eugenicist, and finally Corpse.
Eugenicist strikes me quite vividly in that list. He advocated not having the races mix... I suppose that's why corn flakes are no good with chocolate milk. Bastard.
Anyway, Mr Kellogg was the the head of the Battle Creek Sanitarium for a number of years. The Battle Creek Sanitarium was a facility owned by the Seventh-day Adventists.. who it turns out are the REAL champions of Veganism.
I'll let that sink in.
Not the hippies or the boomers or the neo-Flower Children... The Seventh-day Adventists. The Seventh-day Adventists have been making Vegetarian and Vegan food for over a century. They were well aware of the benefits of soy and whole grains long before your grand-pappy pooed in his first britches. They are the experts in this field. They have long perfected the art of trickery and subterfuge when it comes to food.
PETA, Granola, Tofu, Hippies, Soy Milk, 'Fur is Murder', Indian Food, Todd from Scott Pilgrim, Garbanzo Beans, Hemp, Tea, Natalie Portman, Cud, Baby Seals, Honey, Jainism, Poverty, Ethics, Fiber, John Harvey Kellogg...
Wait, John Harvey Kellogg? (isn't he just a vegetarian?)
Yeah, him. He's famous in my house for inventing Corn Flakes. I love and will always love, Kellogg's Corn flakes. And NO, I do not mean Frosted Flakes. Frosted Flakes are for kids whose parents do not love them. I mean... hy... per... kids... Sure, they're not that fancy, no marshmallows, clusters, or leprechaun parts. And sure they get soggy faster than a newspaper in a Jacuzzi, but they are my favorite breakfast cereal of all time.
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| Why can't I quit you? |
But it turns out that there is more to Mr. Kellogg than just crack flakes. The Wikipedia page on his life is full of interesting crap (enema joke) about him. I encourage you to read it.
 |
| International Humorously Mustachioed Man Contest Winner 1913. |
I am most interested in the titles he had in his life. This man was everything... He was a Doctor, a Holist, Vegetarian, Inventor, Son, Brother, Printer's Devil (!), Student, Adopter, Husband, Widow, Seventh-day Adventist, Speaker, Orator, Naturalist, Author, Chief Medical Officer, Teacher, Surgeon, Sadist, Madman, Racist, Bigot, Eugenicist, and finally Corpse.
Eugenicist strikes me quite vividly in that list. He advocated not having the races mix... I suppose that's why corn flakes are no good with chocolate milk. Bastard.
Anyway, Mr Kellogg was the the head of the Battle Creek Sanitarium for a number of years. The Battle Creek Sanitarium was a facility owned by the Seventh-day Adventists.. who it turns out are the REAL champions of Veganism.
I'll let that sink in.
Not the hippies or the boomers or the neo-Flower Children... The Seventh-day Adventists. The Seventh-day Adventists have been making Vegetarian and Vegan food for over a century. They were well aware of the benefits of soy and whole grains long before your grand-pappy pooed in his first britches. They are the experts in this field. They have long perfected the art of trickery and subterfuge when it comes to food.
Today at work, a coworker brought me a hot dog on a bun with ketchup, hot and fresh from the microwave. (She told me that she was going to so it wasn't weird..) My immediate reaction was to decline. The first words out of her lips were, 'It's vegan, I checked." I trusted her and had a bite.
It was amazing. It was like the sausage gods sent their only son to suffer and die for my satisfaction. I did at least a triple take. (Any more than that risks a herniated disc in my neck...) It was the perfect con. The texture, temperature, flavor, shape and form were straight from the Oscar Mayer cookbook.
I once wrote in this blog that I was disappointed that Vegans had no creativity, that they were a lackluster group of shiftless misanthropes. As it turns out, I just wasn't looking in the right direction.
Loma Linda Big Franks - The perfect knock-off hot dog. They're somewhat expensive, but they're worth it. I don't care if the church uses the money from these 'Not Dogs' to fund book burnings, I'm on board.
Did I forget to mention that this perfect and delicious survival food comes in a can?
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| Can o' Weiners |
Adam
An Interesting Side Note: Don't go to Meat.org.
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